It’s not very often that I blog about philosophical things. My subjective mind is vague and meandering, like a song that needs to be rearranged; please, feel free to translate and connect the dots between these impromptu thoughts. Tonight I’ve been thinking about how people judge my character. Like any good liberal, I try to learn from criticism instead of battling it.

I’m an honest man. I’m not trying to take over the world, although I know people tend to respect that more than someone like me who would rather stop and smell the roses than make another dollar. People are too often blinded by dollars instead of the greedy ambition behind the Benjamins. Instead, a person like me has the idyllic vision of a pauper with eyes that warm another’s soul with truth. There’s nothing more comforting than feeling at home when I look into another’s eyes. To most people, this seems so far from the character of a computer nerd like myself. Having a right-left balanced brain makes it hard to focus on a profession because I tend to focus on harmony instead of results.

I’m shocked whenever people tell me, “Be honest with yourself. Do you really believe that?” It’s good to be challenged, but I shut off to people who refuse to see my point of view, no matter how illogical to them. I can listen to you, so why can’t you come up with a more convincing objection to hearing my opinion about life’s golden rules? “That’s just not the way life works,” doesn’t sway my opinion one iota.

When I meet a woman, I can see all her objections to my character almost immediately. I’m sure half of the objections that I see are fabricated only in my own mind and not necessarily what she actually thinks about me. Either way, I do take pride that I can at least be honest about my intentions. Candy coating my lifestyle has never been my strong suit, although I do understand the need to be secretive about certain aspects of one’s life. I’ve been particularly amused by recent accusations like, “You must be gay,” or “Are you sure you’re not a stalker?” No, ladies. I don’t pretend to lack a “feminine side” and while I realize that there are plenty of jealous stalkers, I’m more likely to stupefy you with my apathy than stalk you like a man attached to mission control with no mind of his own.

I underestimate myself. I’ve spent three years wondering what to do next because of the roadblocks I’ve met in the past. I tend to enjoy movies of success stories. Rocky IV, 8 Mile, and Rain Man are a few that come to mind, and Notorious which I just watched tonight. Yeah, go ahead and laugh at that list; continue when you’re ready to be confused some more…. The best screenwriters make these characters seem real to me. Persistence is one of the traits in film characters that draws me in, probably because it’s a value that I lack. I treasure the people in my life who remind me of my strengths and how to use them. This honest man appreciates the encouragement, even if he delivers results in an untimely manner.